How early in our schooling did we start hearing, “there are no stupid questions?” Well, I call bullshit on that. There most definitely are stupid-ass questions and this is one them. I can’t even tell you how often I’ve done an assessment that included a conversation like this:
Individual: “Well I had ‘x amount’ of clean time.”
Me: “What happened?”
Individual: “Well, I stopped taking my meds.”
Me: “Why did you stop taking your meds?”
Individual: “Well, I was feeling good. I didn’t think I needed them anymore.”
Me: “Did it ever cross your mind that maybe you were feeling good BECAUSE you were taking your meds?”
Individual: “Yeah, maybe you’re right.”
Being on psych meds can be a real pain in the ass. It’s basically an experiment figuring out what combination of meds and the dosages of each of those meds are therapeutically beneficial. It takes about 2-4 weeks for a psych med to reach a therapeutic level in your system. If they aren’t working after a month, the Doc will do some tweaking. Now you have to wait another 2-4 weeks to see if they’re working. If they are, great! If not, more tweaking. It can be a long, frustrating, and painful process. And there are some people whose meds work fine for years, then they stop working so the process begins again. UGH!
The other argument I get, A LOT, for not taking meds is the side effects. Specifically, not being able to “get it up.” To that, first I say, “they do have a pill for that. I believe it’s blue.” Secondly, I point out some of the side effects of self-medicating: relationship difficulties, divorce, loss of children, loss of family, loss of jobs, jail, homelessness, loss of dignity, loss of self-respect, loss of self-esteem, death. Would you rather take a little blue pill as needed, or deal with all that other shit for a very long time?
I was diagnosed with bipolar and put on meds in January 2014. I went through the “tweaking” process for about a year. I was doing pretty well. Then, the summer of 2016, I remember it vividly. I was driving home from work. It was a beautiful day. I was feeling really good and I said to myself, “I don’t think I need my anti-depressants anymore.” Now, as I was saying that to myself, I also reminded myself of what I tell others. “Peridot! Do you think maybe you’re feeling good because you’re taking your meds?!?!” But of course, I stopped taking them anyway. About six months later, I wasn’t doing so well. I went back on my anti-depressants. March 2019, I went off my meds again. This time I also stopped taking the med that’s supposed to help with the manic part of bipolar. After a few months I began to spiral and over the next several months I became depressed. I became extremely anxious and irritable. I became bitchy and cynical. I was crying a lot. I even had a couple of breakdowns in front of co-workers and supervisors. I had more and more thoughts of using. I was losing my shit for sure. Then I finally lost it. Someone very well-meaning, but ignorant to addiction, offered me a Xanax. Instantaneously I saw myself crushing it up on my desk and snorting it. It happened to be lunch time. I went to my car, crying uncontrollably. I wanted to leave work so bad, go to a store and get something to drink. Alcohol isn’t even my first drug of choice (I have many drugs of choice) but it was the easiest, quickest thing I could get my hands on. Instead, I decided to call a co-worker with many years in recovery and told him I wanted to drink so bad. He said, “where are you? I’ll be right there.” That’s the NA program in action. I began feeling better right away. When he got to me, I was already much calmer. I told him what happened. He listened. He then made some suggestions of things to do. Mostly what I already knew to do, but I was stuck and needed to hear it. I took his suggestions. And I remained clean. Two days later I saw my Psychiatrist and got back on my meds. That was this past February.
Now here’s another stupid question. Do you think this dumb ass learned her lesson? Hell no! For the past few months, my med taking has been sporadic. And I don’t just stop taking my psych meds, I stop taking the couple of meds for my physical health well. I admitted this to my psychologist and of course she asked why. I told her the truth. I just don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like swallowing all those pills. She says there must be an underlying reason. Why can’t it be I just don’t fucking feel like it? Why does it have to be something deeper?
The bottom line is this. It doesn’t matter if there’s an underlying reason or not. It doesn’t matter if I just don’t fucking feel like it or not. It doesn’t matter whether don’t feel like swallowing all those pills or not. All the evidence before me indicates that medication is necessary for my mental and physical well-being right now.
So, if you are like me, this is my challenge for us: I challenge us to take ALL our medication as prescribed for the next 30 days, one day at a time.
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