Parenting is by far the hardest job of all. Once you have a child – you feel like your world ends, and your complete focus shifts to their world as it begins. A parent who is invested and conscientiously involved knows that every experience their child has shapes their brain, the landscape of their mind, the development of the body body, and the experience of the soul.
The environment shapes the brain because different experiences trigger a child’s genetic potential to grow in accordance with those life experiences. Neurons that fire together, wire together. As such the child holistically grows in a purposefully adaptive, and responsive way.
A child is helpless when first born. Interactions with a caregiver are essential for survival! How attentive a mother is to her child and the child to the mother creates the attachment template for the child – this template is present for all other human relationships. This attachment template shapes a child’s understanding of self worth, the safety of this world, and his or her competence in addressing experiences as they arise. Perfect parenting is impossible – doing your best and being consistent is what matters.
Loving a little person who is vulnerable and completely dependent on you is a LOT of responsibility. Somehow, our humanity has evolved this far – and it’s because of our attachment to our children!
Parenting is a constant test of patience, ideally balanced with temperance and love. Also the kind of patience and attunement you need changes based on the age of your child! Experiences a parent has with their children can trigger a trauma recall in the parent. Trauma passes from one generation to the next when a parent in some way re-enacts the PTSD responses around/toward their children. There are treatment options available to help PTSD so transference does not occur. Our young people deserve our best, whatever that may look like – even if that means recruiting help. I know that when I was really sick due to my mental health my mother took on a significant role of helping parent my children. A dear friend of mine cared for my infant baby overnight 1 night a week to provide my mom with respite. These moments of human kindness are the ones you never forget! Supportive people in our lives can make such a difference when going through a family crises. Ask for help if you need it, and don’t be ashamed because it’s not about you. The well-being of our children always comes first. It really does take a village!
We parents know that we can’t always be by our children’s side to help protect, nurture, and navigate the storms of life. As a parent I am very aware of my mortality. I purposefully make my children aware that they must learn independence. Participate in chores. One day learn how to cook. We are aware that over coddling will not prepare them enough for reality. Another question I ask myself – how much of a friend should a parent be – versus how much of a rule creating/implementing supervisor? And how do you do the latter without pushing them away to the point they don’t talk freely with you? For each question I pose the answer is different for the individualized dynamic on a micro and macro level. Other questions include, “When do we teach our children that the tooth fairy isn’t real?”, “When/how do we begin training our children to stand up against violence – and for instance begin karate classes.” How do we teach our young people about social interactions, and what is okay and what isn’t. Sex education too – I NEVER thought I would but I literally busted out the banana and condom (banana-flavored condom of all things, and lubricated too) and talked about the birds and the bees and how to use protection. My son is 11, and this subject matter was being taught in his school. Apparently all the kids were laughing throughout. I am proud to say my son knew his questions and wasn’t afraid to ask me. Some aspects of the subject my son talked about with his father. Being a parenting team is so important in my experience. I applaud and admire those parents who hold down the fort solo – and I pray you have support people in your life. An unspoken rule in our family dynamic is that my husband and I hand off parenting responsibilities to whoever between me and my husband is most competent to handle the situation. Raising young people as they age is a roller coaster!
I believe it is especially so when a parent is struggling with mental illness. I have found that my whole life I’ve struggled with love – what it means, how it feels. As I shared previously I am a person experiencing Bipolar 1 and Complex PTSD. If I screw up my medication this influences my parenting style, openness, and lovingness towards my family. It influences how awake aware and attentive I am. When I have a flashback episode around the kids I struggle because I am lost in the trauma and not in present reality. My childhood trauma history very much impacted my view of my children and their perceived safety. I do my best not to transfer my trauma onto my children. I am a helicopter mom. Over time I have developed more awareness of triggers and my husband is attuned and supportive of my needs. My professional exposure as a social worker to the grim realities of the human experience also negatively impacted my trauma beliefs in many many ways. Teaching children how to think and not what to think is so important. Teaching them how to think not what to think is essential. Attachment to caregivers define a child’s future experience in life. Being as mindful as you can about what your children experience is of utmost importance.
May you all be blessed with loving connections,
Camille Waldron, LMSW
❤️ ??
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