In the late afternoon of October 16, 2019, I woke up in Raritan Bay Medical Center in Perth Amboy, New Jersey. As I’m awaking, I start to look around the room trying to figure out where I am, my brother and his wife walk through the door. I knew I messed up real bad again. I was in Perth Amboy for work, and I just started working with this company that did horizontal drilling in March that year. We would travel throughout the country to do jobs, traveling was exciting, but the task itself was tedious. But anyway, I struggled with alcohol for a long time, always saying I wanted to quit but never could stay away from it for long. But that year, I had a friend who inspired me to stop drinking, so on July 1, I attempted sobriety. It wasn’t easy at all, and it wouldn’t last long.
October 15, I had my big debut of a hard relapse. I just had a day where I was mentally frustrated with many matters. I decided to eat out that night to get away from my hotel room to enjoy myself. My mistake there was I decided to go to a brewery to eat. I told myself I wouldn’t drink, but in the back of my head, I already knew what was going to happen. They had trivia going on that night; you used a handheld electronic device to play. I ended up joining in and made some new friends that were also playing at the bar. So now I’m starting to have some fun, feeling comfortable and relaxed. I order myself a beer. One beer led to another and another, then to the whiskey. I couldn’t tell you how many I had, but it was more than a few. Then boom, blackout.
I have three vague memories of that night during my blackout. First off, I don’t even remember leaving the bar, and I was driving a Ford F-550 company truck. The first memory was me lifting my head and seeing the front of the truck smashed into a telephone pole. Then a memory of me being in the back of a cop car smashing my head on the cage till I caused a part of it to break, and a metal piece cut me on my forehead. I ended up having a significant swell on my forehead from it. Bleeding from my head and screaming at the cops, I got maced. Which only made me go crazier. The next thing I remember is being in the hospital, handcuffed to a bed. With cops and nurses around me, I was still uncontrollable. Then the next thing I know is I’m waking up in the late afternoon with my brother and his wife walking in. I could see the worries on their faces but happy to see I was alright. I didn’t remember calling anyone that night. My brother said I tried calling him, but he missed it, so I called my father. Great I thought, just what I need was dad to know about this. Well, you can’t undo what has happened in the past, you can only change the outcome of your future. I knew it was; ‘Time For Change. Where Do I Begin?‘
We drove back to Connecticut, and my brother dropped me off at the Veterans Administration Healthcare System Psychiatric Emergency Room in West Haven. I spent the night there and was released the next day with an appointment set up for the following day to speak with a psychologist at the Newington VA. From that moment, I would start my journey of recovery for PTSD and substance abuse. As I am writing this, I just passed seven months sober. Never in my life did I think I could get this far. I’ve lived a stressful and dangerous life before this, from being in the Marine Corps for four years and a commercial fisherman for five. I have put a toll on my body mentally and physically, and it was time to finally take care of my self before I end my killing myself or someone else through a life of substance abuse.
It wasn’t the first time I crashed a vehicle while intoxicated or gotten arrested for a DUI, plus countless times where I became annihilated. But I hope it will be the last. I can’t say I’m never going to drink again, but I do know I won’t drink today. Trying to think too far in the future brings much anxiety and doubt. By focusing on the present, you gain more control over yourself mentally. Sobriety is a challenge mentally, overcoming those fears and dark days where you could just drink your problems away and not think about them. But now you’re facing those emotions head-on, no more hiding them burying them deep behind the bottle. Alcohol is a silent killer that creeps up on you. It will destroy you; it destroyed many aspects of my life over the years. I was sick and tired of being weak and losing the battle. To become sober and learn how to deal with such emotions has made me a stronger person.
Trying to go sober on my own was just too hard, impossible for me. It wasn’t until I reached out for help and put myself in an environment with the right support group to help me get through it. Sometimes you have to break down your pride and stubbornness and do what truly has to be done so you can become a better person. I mean, nobody brags about going to rehabilitation programs, alcoholic anonymous, narcotics anonymous, or talk to a psychologist or addiction therapist. No one wants people to know that you are. It feels as an embarrassment like you lost the game of life. You lost control of your life and surroundings. But what are you going to do? Keep going on the same path of destruction, saying your going to do something different this time but never follow through with it? How are you going to become a better person when you have no control? How are you going to live that life you dream but never change? Isn’t time to do something about it? Time to move forward in life, travel down a brighter path. Its time to reach out for the real help you need to get there. One day at a time, you and I can both become the people we inspire to be. The strength comes from within, and it is possible to harness that power to make you successful.
I knew it was ‘Time For Change’ and found ‘Where I Began.’ When did you realize its ‘Time For Change’ or is that moment now? When did you ask your self ‘Where Do I Begin?’ or maybe is it now you should? When can you change ‘Where Do I Begin?’ to ‘Where I Began’?
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