Ten Years Later

Ten years ago today, I reluctantly walked through the doors of a VA rehab. I was high so my clean date isn’t until tomorrow. I don’t think I was sick and tired of being sick and tired but looking back, I was definitely tired. I had no intention of stopping using. My family ran me up in there and I had no qualms of telling my counselors that. After all, it was the truth, sort of. At the end of the day I’m the one who made the decision to go, but what were my choices? My family, some of whom I was, well, leeching off of had had it with me and a minor incident with the police was the last straw. I was either going to be totally on my own, in the streets, or rehab. I didn’t consider myself a “street” addict, so I chose rehab. When I made the decision to go, I also made the decision to be open-minded and willing to learn. I figured fuck it, I was going to be there for four to six months and I do like to learn.

After about four days my roommate drug me to an NA meeting held inside the rehab with just us Vets. But it was speaker meeting night so someone from the community was there to share their story. That’s when I began to start identifying with other addicts. For the past four days I had been walking around that place, looking at all those old fucking dudes (there were only eight females in a 220 bed facility) thinking, “I don’t belong here with these old-ass fucking crack heads!” But after that meeting, I found myself walking down the hall thinking that I didn’t belong and then it occurred to me, “Peridot! YOU are a fucking crack head!!!!”

I started going to meetings six to seven nights a week and all I heard was how great recovery was. How it’s changed people’s lives. How much better people were since they stopped using and started following a program of recovery. I thought they were all full of shit. I could identify with the addict part, but I couldn’t identify with the addict in recovery part. And I found it hard to believe that an addict could actually stop using. Three weeks in, I was at another speaker meeting. The speaker was droning on about how he’s changed and how great his life was. He only had like two and a half years clean. I kept thinking, “this guy is full of shit! You mean to tell me that in just two and a half years you’re a new man and your life is amazing. Get the fuck outta here!” Then, like a bolt of lightning, I had a thought, “you know what? I’m stuck here for six months. Why don’t I give this program an honest effort and just see if all these people are full of shit or if there is actually something to this?” And so, I began my investigation. I started taking notes in my classes. I started jotting stuff down in meetings. For the first year I was trying to figure out how I could work the NA program and keep using. During my second year I finally realized that it was impossible. I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to stop using. But I kept on, one day at a time.

Here I am ten years later. I absolutely cannot fucking believe it! What I’ve found out is that all that bullshit wasn’t bullshit. Of course, there are always going to be those people who are full of shit. But I learned that if you’re willing to put in the work you will change and therefore your life will change, all for the better. If I’m honest with myself, my life IS pretty amazing. I have a job I love, making more money than I ever imagined I would ever make. I own my home. I’m about to buy a new car. But more importantly, I have dignity today. I have self-respect today. I have meaningful relationships. I’m more accepting, more patient and more tolerant. I think things through more and I’m more flexible in dealing with people and life. I have a sense a self-worth and I’m beginning to believe that I deserve good things in my life. I think though, that perhaps the most profound change is this: I spent most of my life with a plan to kill myself. I would often beg God to just let me die already. Today I find myself asking God to not let me die because I truly want to see what my future holds.

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Peridot

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