Inspirational Quote – Buddha

What you are is what you have been.
What you’ll be is what you do now.
~Buddha

So many people get trapped in feelings of guilt, shame, and the “I shoulda’s…”, all of which leads to self-pity. Self-pity is possibly the number one mortal enemy of recovery. “I’m such a piece of shit.” “I’ve done horrible things.” “I’m such a bad person.” “I shoulda done this or that.” “If only I…” And the truth is, you’re probably right. But you don’t have to stay stuck in it and use it as an excuse to relapse. I remember when I realized that I was a piece of shit. It hit me like ten tons of bricks. I just went back in my journal to see when it was exactly. Until that point, I thought I was basically a good person, I just used drugs. I thought I was basically honest, I just used drugs. Here’s an excerpt from my journal dated January 4^th, 2011, 114 days into my recovery:

“It has come to my attention somehow; through listening at meetings, and taking stuff in and processing it, I guess (cuz I really haven’t started my step work yet), but something clicked inside my head the other night, Sunday night, and I came to realize that I am truly a piece of shit. I am dishonest, a liar, a thief, untrustworthy, possessive, jealous, envious, judgmental, attention-seeking, immature, irresponsible, selfish, self-centered, lacking self-control and self-discipline, nosey, stupid, and probably some other things too that I just can’t think of. I’ve been crying over it. Not a real good cry like I’d like, but I am really…hurt? Like, I think I pretty much knew all of these things about me, but it’s like I REALIZED them on a new level. Like I really feel like a real piece of shit.
“I also knew I wasn’t perfect, but overall, I thought I was a good and decent human being, despite being an addict. But this realization really has me floored. So much so that I don’t even feel worthy to pray for God’s help. I feel as though I deserve nothing good. I wonder why He even keeps me alive. Earlier, I actually had a couple brief thoughts of suicide! I mean, I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON! But I suppose that if I believe and trust in Him, there’s a reason and a purpose for me to still be here. But how do I begin to feel worthy of God? Can this realization PLEASE make me humble? Can I PLEASE be the opposite of what I’ve been? Can I PLEASE live inside my heart with God? My spirit needs to live inside my heart with God.”

Thinking briefly on this I also had no dignity or self-respect.

That was nine and a half years ago. Am I the opposite today? FUCK NO!!!! Am I better? FUCK YEAH! I’m the opposite of some things, like I haven’t stolen anything in, oh, I don’t know, probably about six or seven years. I have some dignity and self-respect. I rarely lie. If I tell you I’ll do something for you I do it. Well, most of the time. Sometimes I do get so busy I just forget. I still like to call myself stupid, but the truth is I’m not stupid, I just do stupid shit sometimes. I’m more responsible than I’ve ever been, specifically when it comes to my money.  I’m still have those other traits, or character defects if you’re an NA person. Still, I’m better. “Catch it, check it, change it.” Another NA saying. And that’s what I do, most of the time. Do I live inside my heart with God? Obviously not if I still act out on my character defects at times. Nevertheless, I continue my pursuit. For example, next week my dog and I are going on what I like to call a spiritual retreat. We’re going to the Catskills for a few days and we’re going to stay in a real Sioux tipi!!!!! Just the two of us. No TV. No computer. Just us and nature, and my journal of course. I am so excited!

I was a piece of shit for most of my life. Even though I’m not perfect, I’m not a piece of shit today. I’m not a piece of shit today because for the last nine years and eleven months I’ve been practicing living in the now. In the now, one day at a time, I’ve been making changes in my thinking and doing so that someday I’ll be who I want to be.

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Peridot

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