I Belong

I attended my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting when I was seventeen. At age fourteen, I started seeing this guy in the neighborhood. He was nineteen. Yeah, Yeah, I get it now. But I was in love. Neither one of our parents were too thrilled about this relationship. And it was tough. My dad tried to keep me from him, but his efforts were futile. Once he even sent me to live with my mother in another state. Ultimately, that didn’t work either. Within a week or so of living with my mom, I made friends with some kids who drank and used. Surprise, right? I became good friends with one girl who supplied me with weed. Plus, her mom wasn’t around much so I hung out at her house getting high a lot. I can’t remember how long I lived there, several months at least. I convinced the psychologist that I was worse for having been sent away.  Looking back, I suppose I had more shit going on in my head than just trying to have a relationship with this guy. So, I moved back with my dad. Over time he became more accepting of my boyfriend as did his parents. In my senior year of high school, we began looking at engagement rings and had plans to move into a house his parents had been renting out. But things didn’t work out. On February 11, 1988 I received a phone call very early in the morning. It was his mother calling to let me know that he died in a car accident with a tractor trailer overnight. Both drivers were drunk. Until that day, I didn’t know your heart could actually physically hurt.  It was so crazy. So surreal. So painful.

A couple of months later I spent a week at my mom’s just to get away. A couple of days into my stay, I got in touch with my old friend. She said, “sure come on over.” I was so excited because I hadn’t gotten high since I left home. When I got there, her and her friend were getting ready to leave and she was like, “c’mon.” So, I went along. I had no idea where we were going, and they didn’t say. Finally, we pull up to a church. In my mind I’m thinking, “what the fuck are we doing at a church? It’s a Wednesday night. It’s been a while since I’ve been to church, but I don’t remember there ever being a mass on a weeknight.” We get out of the car, walk up to the church and they lead me to a side door that went down into the basement. Again, I’m thinking, “what the fuck is going on?!?!” We get downstairs where there were a bunch of people gathered. Immediately someone comes up to me, gives me a hug, and says, “welcome!” Now I’m thinking, you guessed it, “WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!!? What a fucking weirdo! What the fuck was that about????” A couple of other people also come over to “Welcome” me. “Who the fuck are these weirdos????” Then, I see a sign, well a picture really, that says NA. I still have no idea where I’m at. Then I see some things that say Narcotics Anonymous. Finally, I’m catching on. A few minutes in, everybody files into a room with a long table, or two or three put together, I don’t remember, and sits around the table. First, I’m pissed at my so-called friend. Why did she do this to me? The meeting starts. After what I now know is 90 minutes went by, I couldn’t have told you not word one of what was said in that meeting. Because the entire time I was sitting there I was thinking three basic thoughts over and over. “What the fuck?” “These people are so fucking weird!” “I don’t belong here!”

I didn’t belong there. Not then anyway. At 17 I was just getting started. I had more than two decades ahead of me before I landed in rehab and was re-introduced to Narcotics Anonymous. Things were different now. Using was no longer fun and hadn’t been for several years. Just like it says in the Basic Text, “my (our) whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another – the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more.” My life had become completely controlled by drugs. Also, when I finally broke down and went to rehab, I made a decision to be open-minded and willing to learn, not knowing of course that these are two of the three “indispensable spiritual principles.” Three days in my roommate drug me to an meeting in the rehab. I went a few more times. Then I came off restriction and was able to go to meetings in the community. I still had a hard time with the hugging, and the “I love everyone now that I have 10 days clean.” Still, I kept going, I kept listening and I kept learning about myself and my addiction. While in treatment, I did go to some AA meetings also. But I soon realized I didn’t belong there. I belonged in NA. And as I kept going and learning and meeting people, I found that when I walked into a meeting, I was home.

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Peridot

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